Lessons from my mama

I just spent the last two weeks visiting my mama back in my hometown of Lynden, Washington.

I had originally planned to do a little bit of work while I was on vacation, but the minute I set foot in my mama’s house, I realized that what I really needed was to just unplug.

So I did.

No social media. No text messages. No email. No Zoom calls with my team. 

It was actually pretty amazing.

I spent countless hours with my mom, snuggling in her bed, drinking Red Rose tea and watching her favorite televangelists on TV, which she watches with the same enthusiasm that most people watch reality television. She’d patiently explain all their backstories, then she’d stroke my hair and listen as I told her all about my work and my family and our life in Florida. 

And it’s hard to even describe how precious that time was.

Because for most of my life, my mom and I didn’t have a great relationship.

For most of my childhood and much of my adult life, my mom struggled hard with mental illness. She’d often disappear, sometimes for weeks or months. Her highs and lows were volatile and unpredictable, and when I finally left home at 17, I swore I’d never look back.

Then, in my twenties, I had my own mental health crisis. While hindsight is 20/20 and I can now see that there were many things that led to my breakdown, at the time I mostly blamed her.

So I cut her out of my life completely.

It wasn’t until I started dating my now husband, Chuck, that I agreed to even see her again, and only after he insisted. We became cordial, but not especially close. I always felt like I had to keep my guard up. 

But then, about eight years ago, the police found my mom driving the wrong way down a one way street, and it was clear that something was very wrong.

Thankfully we were able to get together as a family and get her the help and care she needed, and she’s now stable and healthy, and it honestly feels like a miracle—a true gift from God.

Because for so many years, I harbored so much anger and resentment about my childhood, and so much grief for the mom I never had.

But these past eight years have erased all that bitterness. 

I see now that her lack of mothering wasn’t actually a lack of love, it was a lack of capacity. 

She was sick. And I don’t fault her for that.

I’m no longer angry. Just grateful for this second chance we’ve had, and for the time we have left.

Relationships are complicated because people are complicated.

No family is perfect. And often those wounds cut deep.

But here’s what I know: Redemption is always possible, and it’s worth fighting for.

Because in the end, holding on to bitterness and anger and resentment really only hurts you.

Brigitte Nicole wrote, “one of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.” Along those lines, someone else wisely noted that, “holding on to anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

In other words? There’s so much joy and freedom in just forgiving and moving on.

And so, my challenge for you this week is a tough one, especially during this holiday season that brings up so much family drama. If you too are harboring hurt or anger or resentment towards someone in your life, make the decision to let it go and move on. Choose to forgive the flaws. Not because they deserve it, but because it will set you free.

Live with purpose, friend, and have a joy-filled week!

xoxo, Ruth

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