Here's what I've learned about making (and keeping) friends as an adult:

It's awkward. 

And sometimes hard.

And often requires you to show up in ways that might sometimes feel uncomfortable.

But it's worth it.

And I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially as I've watched my one of my daughters navigate some friendship stuff that has left her feeling, well, left out.

But if there’s one lesson I’m trying to instill in both my kids so that they understand it for life, it’s this:

If you want to be included, you have to be the includer.

You have to make the effort, because most people just won’t.

Not because they’re mean or thoughtless or don’t care about you, but because they don’t know how, or because they’re busy just trying to make it through the day.

They want connection just as badly as you do, but they don’t know how to make it happen any more than you do.

And so if you want it, you need to take the first step.

It’s a truth about life that my husband Chuck and I came to grips with a long time ago. 

That if we wanted to be the kind of couple who has lots of friends, we would need to be willing to step up and facilitate it, and to bring people together.

So we do. And we always have.

Back in the early days of our marriage, when Chuck was working as an engineer for Boeing in Seattle, I started a Meetup group called BoMoToGoMo–Boeing Moms of Tots who want To Get Out More. And during what could have been a super lonely time, we ended up with the most wonderful, active group of friends, all in a similar stage of life.

Then we moved back to Florida, and had to start all over. I started another Meetup group, and while I met some wonderful moms, none of the dads really clicked. 

So when it came time for our oldest daughter Maggie to start preschool, Chuck took matters into his own hands. At orientation, he walked around the room with a pen and paper and got everyone’s names and phone numbers. I think most of them thought he was crazy, but that one bold move ended up being the spark for another great group of friends.

Then, a few years ago, at our last house, we decided to start hosting a Christmas Eve brunch. 

We invited a bunch of our neighbors, thinking maybe a few would show up.

To our shock, pretty much everyone came. Apparently no one really has plans during the day on Christmas eve.

And it was so much fun that we decided to make it a tradition.

For the first few years, it was mostly just a neighborhood thing.

But this past Christmas, now that we’ve moved to our six acre farm in the country and have room to spare, we decided to go all out. We invited everyone. Old neighbors from our previous house. Friends we hadn't talked to in months. People we've almost lost touch with over the years, except for the occasional Christmas card.

Our kids thought we were crazy.

Why are you inviting people you haven't talked to forever? That’s so weird.

And so we explained—again—because that's what we do in this family. 

We ended up reconnecting with a couple from that old preschool group, a couple we hadn’t seen in at least 10 years. They ended up staying long after the party had ended, along with another couple from that same group of friends.

As they were leaving, we all said, "We have to do this again soon!"

And then of course, life happened. Months went by.

Until this past weekend, when Chuck and I hosted a small dinner party for the six of us.

My Polpettone (Italian meatloaf) was a bit of a disaster, but no one really cared. 

It was simply a wonderful evening with dear friends.

And it was like no time had passed at all.

The truth is that the kind of connection we all crave doesn't just happen by magic. 

It happens when you show up. When you send the text. When you extend the invitation. When you open your door, even when your house isn't perfectly clean.

It happens when you stop waiting for someone else to go first.

Maya Angelou once said, "A friend may be waiting behind a stranger's face." Along those same lines, Dale Carnegie noted that "you can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

In other words? If you want to have a friend, be a friend.

That's why we send a gazillion Christmas cards every year, even though my kids think it's ridiculous. It's why we almost always say yes when one of the girls asks to host a party. It's why, when we moved to this house in the country, making the guest house livable was our very first priority, even though the main house was still a hot mess.

Because our whole vision for this place has always been about creating a space where people can gather. Where everyone feels welcome. Where connection happens naturally because we've made the space for it.

And I want my girls to grow up watching this. I want them to learn what it looks like to be the inviter, not just the invitee. To create the space where others feel seen and welcome, instead of waiting around hoping someone else will do it for them.

But if I'm being honest? I'm still learning this lesson myself.

There are still moments when I catch myself waiting for other people to reach out. When I hold back from making plans because I'm tired or overwhelmed or convinced that everyone else is too busy.

But those are the moments when connection matters most.

And so, my challenge for you this week is simple: Don't wait to be invited. Be the inviter.

Send the text asking someone to coffee. Suggest the dinner party. Reach out to that friend you've been thinking about but haven't talked to in forever. Host the thing, even if your house isn't Pinterest-perfect.

Because you never know—you might be creating the exact moment someone else has been quietly longing for.

Live with purpose, friend, and have an amazing week!

xoxo, Ruth

P.S. In case you missed it, my new Unstoppable Weight Loss audio masterclass is now available! It’s designed to help you make the necessary mindset shifts to avoid the self-sabotage that holds so many of us back, so that you can finally lose weight and get healthy for good. And this week only, you can not only grab it for just $37, you’ll also get more than $250 in special bonuses when you do!

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