Not long ago, I got a text message from an old ‘friend’ I hadn’t spoken to in years. On the surface, it appeared to be nothing more than a friendly attempt to reconnect:

“Hey girl, long time no chat! How are you?”

But even as I shot back an obligatory—"I’m great, how are you?”—I braced myself for what I knew was coming.

And then there it was: “Can I ask you a favor….”

I knew it was coming because this particular ‘friend’ ONLY ever reaches out when she wants or needs something.

But I’m embarrassed to tell you that it took me much longer than it should have to recognize the not-so-pleasant truth: She’s a user. 

It was a hard lesson to learn.

The final straw for me happened a few years ago, when, needing yet another favor, she asked me to do for free something that I normally get paid to do. 

Because I thought she was my friend, and because I wanted to be nice, and because I often have a really hard time saying no, and because she told me it was for a really good cause, and because I believed her, I said yes. 

What she was asking for wasn't a small thing—it required hours of work and preparation, plus significant expense out of my own pocket, and several days of my time.

But then something strange happened. 

That same friend forgot I was doing something nice for her, and began acting like this service, essentially a free gift worth thousands of dollars, was something I owed her.

I watched, perplexed, as her attitude quickly shifted from one of gratitude to one of entitlement, and then to one of superiority. She didn’t even bother to say thank you.

Suddenly I wasn’t feeling quite so generous anymore.

I definitely wished I hadn’t said yes.

And because I felt like I couldn’t back out of the commitment I had made, I started feeling very bitter and angry and resentful, and that resentment began to cloud and taint every other part of my life. 

Has that ever happened to you? Maybe it’s your teenage daughter, begging you to take her shopping, then immediately treating you like kryptonite again the minute you get home. Maybe it’s a co-worker who begs you for help on a project, then rather than thanking you, takes all the credit 

It steals your joy.

And I realized this situation with my so-called friend was stealing my joy too.

So after feeling sorry for myself for a few days, after feeling mad and disappointed and taken advantage of, I finally decided enough was enough. I realized there was nothing I could do that would change the situation, except change myself.

She certainly wasn’t going to change, and that meant I had to.

I may have been treated poorly, but I could still choose how I moved forward. I could choose to get over it and not be a victim. I could choose to not let her take anything else from me.

In the end, I wrote a long letter—a letter that I never actually sent, but one that helped me “get it out of my system”—but, more importantly, I made the decision to move on and focus on the good rather than fixating on the bad. 

But then I also came to grips with the fact that this person who I thought was my friend actually wasn’t. Instead, her “friendship” was nothing more than a transaction, based only on what she could get out of it.

I don’t know about you, but those aren’t the kind of friends I want to have in my life. So, while I never confronted her, I did emotionally exit the friendship, which meant that the next time she asked me for a favor, it was pretty easy to say no.

And in the years since, I’ve been much more careful about knowing who my real friends are. 

My friend Rachel once told me that “we can spend time feeling either stressed or blessed, but not both.” Along those same lines, someone else once said, “When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control how you respond. That’s where your power is.” 

In other words? You have more power in every situation than you think you do.

And so, my challenge for you this week is to think about your own response to the situations in your life right now that are stealing your joy. Maybe it’s a relationship—a friend, your spouse, your boss, your child—that has you feeling hurt, angry, or disappointed. Or maybe it’s something else entirely—a stressful or painful circumstance that feels completely out of your control. 

And while you might not be able to change the situation, chances are there’s at least one small thing you can do differently to change your response. Maybe it’s setting boundaries. Maybe it’s taking some deep breaths. Maybe it’s choosing to refocus your energy on something positive, rather than stewing in your hurt feelings.

Either way, it’s a choice. So choose well. Then see what happens.

Live with purpose, friend, and have a wonderful week!

xoxo, Ruth

This week’s podcast episode…

What’s cooking in my kitchen…

Here’s the recipe I shared last week:

The latest from my Instagram…

Instagram is my jam! If you’re there too, I’d love to connect with you—find me at @RuthSoukup or @ruthsoukupbiz for online business tips!

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